Have you ever heard a song that you’ve listened to a countless amount of times, but this time was different? This time you really heard and understood the words?
“Pain, but I won’t let it turn into hate. No I won’t let it change me.”
Here’s to 2013.
Author: JoeH305
Hi Friends..
Well hello, future Joe.. #Poet
I returned from vacation 10 days ago and I can honestly say that I am not the same person I was before I left. I have really tried to put into words what exactly it is that I am feeling, but it is so difficult to day. (I guess this is me attempting to do that again).
I cruised the Caribbean with multiple family members and one of my best friends. This was my fourth cruise, with the last one being nine years ago. Now, if you’ve ever taken a cruise, you know what I mean when I say that living on the ship for a week is such an experience in itself! The first day or so is spent both trying not to vomit all over the place from the motion and trying not to fall into the walls while walking to dinner. Once you get past the initial nausea, this is truly a fantastic experience.
We visited- Amber Cove, Dominican Republic; San Juan, Puerto Rico; St Thomas; and Grand Turk. Each of these ports presented an amazing adventure within this already crazy experience. The biggest thing that stuck out to me was the locals and different cultures I was able to experience. That alone had an impact on me so great that I honestly have no idea how to explain.
Here’s my attempt… I live in a 478 sq ft apartment in downtown of the second largest city in Indiana. I have a good job that provides me to means to survive and pay my bills. I have three closets full of clothes, and often a pretty well stocked kitchen. With all that being said, I’ve always been one who shops to fill voids and to fulfill something without even realizing it. The moment I walked through my front door when I got home from this trip, my heart sunk and I was immediately displeased with myself. I had been to four different islands/countries in the previous week and had encountered many different people who live in shacks and have nearly nothing, but greet you with a smile and seem to be so happy with what little they have. In the past 10 days I have researched ways to give back, looked up local charities to donate to, and even purchased diapers for a local shelter that my church is helping. This is in NO way me trying to brag or say “look what I’m doing.”
I’ve spent many hours praying during this last week and a half. I truly believe everyone on this earth has a calling. I feel it deep in my soul that mine is to help people and to make a difference. I don’t believe that means I’m to join the military or get into the medical field, and although there are many ways to help locally, I feel deep inside that I am meant to do something outside of my city. Waiting for God to tell me where exactly that is can be frustrating at times, but I fully trust that He will guide me in His timing. “Lord, I’m ready now..”
The other truth: I am nineteen days away from turning twenty-seven. Honestly, that terrifies me. Each birthday and each year that I grow older, the harder it gets. Finding my soulmate (if I even believe in that) is not my top priority, but each year that I grow older and continue to come home to an empty home, the harder it gets. I am someone who can be surrounded by numerous amounts of people who love and care about me, but I can feel so alone at the same time. I spend time with God, but not as much as I know I should. I make mistakes again and again, and then get mad at myself. But I feel God. Someone recently questioned the very existence of my God. Although I could see and understand what they were saying, that scared me (no details). I don’t argue others beliefs, but I know what I feel and I know real from not.
Moral of the story… I’m ready to “be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire..”
One Word
As the year starts to wrap up and I really begin to reflect on what 2018 brought, I think about the word that I was given in the first few weeks. It was through prayer and meditation that God placed the word “center” in front of me. Being a little random, in my opinion, I began to ask God, “but what does that mean…? Why center?” I started to second guess what He was saying to me. I started thinking “No, there’s got to be another word. I will be patient and wait for Him to tell me what it is.” But every time I closed my eyes and began praying about it, there it was, clear as day… “CENTER” – I finally accepted it and thought “Okay, center… But you’re going to have to tell me what that means.” and after a few days, He did. While laying down in my bed one night, it became very evident to me why I was given this odd word. The second my head hit the pillow I thought, “Keep God at the center of it all and you can face mountains.”
For the next few weeks, the only song I listened to on repeat was “Jesus at the center of it all..” by Israel Houghton. I fell in love with the word “center”. I wrote it everywhere and really thought “I’ve got this. 2018 is going to be a great year!” Although this year has had great moments, my purpose for this word slowly began to fade. The thought started slipping from my mind as the year progressed. I was gifted a bracelet with the word “center” on it and wore it daily for quite a few months. That stopped. I couldn’t tell you where that bracelet is right now.
You see, my SELF got in the way. I feel like I’ve told this story year after year and to be honest, I’m not going to continue this way. My pride got in my way.. as did my struggles. I thought “Nah, I’m too tired. I’ll pray tomorrow night.” I used the excuse of schoolwork and my job. I thought, “I’ll talk to God for a few minutes on the ride to work, but after that I have to focus.” The truth is, I shifted God from the center to the back burner and that’s where it all went down hill.
As the year has flown by, I have had my waves of thinking I’m going to start reading my Bible again. I would do that… but three days later my center would start to shift. I again would think “Well I’ve spent the last two days doing homework, today is my day to catch up on my shows.” when the whole time I could feel God saying “Hello… I’m right here!” Truth is… that’s a scary place to be.
God is not just someone you call on during the struggle. He’s not just someone that you cry out to when things are bad. God is someone that should be the center of your focus. The first words that come out of your mouth each day should be words of praise that are used to thank Him for giving you another day. God is the friend that you should be excited to talk to and tell what’s going on. He knows what is going on already, but He wants to hear it from your lips. He wants you to thank Him for the opportunities you’ve been blessed with. He should be the center of it all.
Where am I going with this? I’m admitting that my focus changed. It’s painful to admit, mostly because I’m ashamed. I feel that although I’ve had a great year, I haven’t truly spent it with the One who matters most. But even then, He was always by my side. Thank you, God.
As I looked back over the year this evening, I’ve been praying about finding my One Word for 2019. I’m committing to shift my focus back and keeping Him at the center. I’m not waiting until January 1st to do so either. Although I’m not ready to share, I honestly feel in my heart that I’ve been shown what my word for 2019 is. Honestly, it scares me, but I’m ready.
Some Days…
There are some days that you remember every detail about and there are some days that you can’t remember a single thing about. Some days you can remember everything from what you wore, what song was on the radio when you were driving, and what you had to eat. Then there are some days that you literally can’t remember what you said ten minutes ago. There are some days that are good and some days that are bad. These are some examples of the bad. These are the days that play in the back of my mind each and every day.
June 17, 2013- This is the day my grandfather died. This is the day that I chose going to work and withdrawing from college (again) instead of picking up the phone to say “hey, it’s me.. I just wanted to say I love you!” This was the last time I had a regret. This was the day that changed the course of my life and taught me to love unconditionally. To be true to who I am. To live life with no regrets.
August 14, 2016- This is the day I wish I could forget. Watching the horror in someone else’s eyes as they are hearing someone on the other end of the phone tell them that someone you love and care so deeply about has been shot. That moment changed my life. This day changed my life. When the only person you share a title with at work suddenly is taken from your life, you almost forget how to function for a minute. You begin to think about all of the conversations you will never finish. When the last words you hear are “See you Monday, Bro!” you start to wonder when Monday will ever get here. I am stuck in the longest weekend of my life. The “labyrinth of suffering” if you will. Monday, the most dreaded day of the week, happens to be the day I secretly look forward to each week. Each Monday that I arrive to work and sit at his desk, a part of me waits for him to jump around the corner. That blinding smile. That childish giggle that spreads joy to everyone around him. What I would give to have five more minutes.
I believe both of these people would be mad at how much their loss has affected me. In return I would tell them both how much their lives influenced me. How knowing both of them was an honor. An honor I didn’t realize existed until it was too late.
“The only way to get out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” -Looking for Alaska, John Green
June 16, 2013 vs June 16, 2018
If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would regret waiting to call him until “after work tomorrow”, I wouldn’t have believed you.
If you would have told me 5 years ago that my world would change over the next 24 hours, I would have called you insane.
If you would have told me 5 years ago to stop being stubborn and just pick up the damn phone, I would have laughed at you.
If you would have told me 5 years ago how fast time really flies by, I would have ignored you.
I don’t know that the day will ever come when I “move on”. How do you move on from death? You don’t. You just find a new way of life. If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last 5 years, it’s that I don’t believe anyone truly understands the concept of time. The idea that what feels like forever, is really just a blink of an eye. Tell the people you love that you love them. Hug the people around you. Be vulnerable. Don’t hold back. If you want to cry, then freaking cry! Don’t be afraid to be who you truly are.
Live freely. Love unconditionally. Be happy.
I’d give anything to go back 5 years to this day and just pick up the damn phone. To have that one last conversation to tell you how much I love you.
“Until we meet again…”
The Rooftop. Pt 3
Day three
One soul:
-No relationship
-No hardship
-No brokenness or loneliness
This soul represents freedom and independence.
Burning.
A fire ignited.
The city moves below him.
The crowds buzzing.
The streets moving.
Life is happening all around.
The crippling fear and anxiety arise.
The hope and ambitions burning inside.
The fire.
The hopes and ambitious mixed with crippling anxiety.
This fire remains a flame.
Something small.
Deep down it’s burning.
At the surface it’s merely a flicker.
Life.
What is it?
Is it what you always dreamt it would be?
Is it more?
Less?
The city moves as if it never sleeps.
Life is constantly moving.
His life…
As if it’s in slow motion.
A dream.
How is a burning flame broken?
How is it possible?
Perhaps the brokenness is a sign of weakness.
A sign of insecurity.
Perhaps what one calls brokenness another calls strength.
Strength in its own way.
How is a burning flame lonely?
It’s surrounded by fire.
Fire that floods out the darkness.
Is it truly lonely?
The fire burns and grows in numbers.
But when the fire is alone it is merely a flame.
A flicker.
Perhaps even a spark.
Sparks can quickly burn and become a fire.
All the fire needs in order to grow is air.
Space.
Room to grow.
These things come by burning and glowing.
So you may ask what caused the spark?
What caused the flicker?
Life itself.
The soul is the rooftop.
The mountain.
As life and the city below continue to move, the rooftop (the soul) is on fire.
What sets your soul on fire?
The Rooftop. Pt 2
The rooftop, like the mountain, is significant and tall.
It signifies strength and courage.
Day Two
Four souls:
⁃ One relationship
⁃ One hardship
⁃ One broken and alone
The hardship.
She struggles.
She keeps her distance and pays no mind to the other souls.
Deep down she’s screaming.
She looks around and looks into the other souls.
Not at.
Into.
She jots down her thoughts as they come to her.
Broken.
Alone.
Scattered and torn.
She stand tall and independent.
From the outside it’s as if she has it all together.
She’s screaming.
This time it’s audible for the other souls to hear.
Or they should…
It’s as if time stood still.
The other souls are frozen in time.
Not batting an eye.
The earth around her stood still yet the war goes on.
Not only is she broken, but now she’s afraid.
Scared of the unknown.
Scared of the frozen.
She knows she’s the mountain.
She’s the rooftop.
High above the city she stands.
The city is frozen.
She’s running as fast as she can but it’s as if she’s in slow motion.
She reminds herself “I am the mountain.”
But how fast does a mountain move?
How big is the mountain?
Is she a boulder?
A pebble?
She stops in her tracks.
Breathes deep breaths.
I. Am. The. Mountain.
I. Am. The. Mountain.
I. Am. The. Rooftop.
The earth starts moving.
The souls around her continue their day.
The relationship.
The hardship.
The broken and alone.
No longer do these labels define her.
She is the mountain.
The Rooftop.
Four souls:
⁃ one relationship
⁃ one hardship
⁃ one broken and alone
All four share the same rooftop.
Four lives. Four stories.
One commonplace.
The gathering place.
The city lights. The shining stars. Above and below, the world is moving. Living.
Is the relationship an actual relationship?
Is the hardship just a bump in the road?
Is the fourth one really alone?
Brokenness is inevitable. The four of them know.
But loneliness… are you ever truly alone?
The city lights and the shining stars prove to me that loneliness is not that.
With living stars and a city thriving. Life is all around us. How can one be alone?
Break out.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Break away from what makes you lonely. Breathe in the life above and below you. The life that you see and feel from the rooftop. Scream it from the rooftop.
You. Are. The. Rooftop.
Stand above. Stand strong.
Feel the earth beneath your feet.
Feel the wind encompass you. The air. You’re living. You’re thriving.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
You are the rooftop.
What Is Grace?
Recently I was flipping through an old notebook and I found something I wrote in May 7, 2013. This is titled “What is Grace?”
Sure grace is a good thing..but what is it? The definition is “To honor or to credit someone.” But what is God’s grace? Romans 6:3-4 says, “Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined Him in His death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And Jesus Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.”
Titus 2:11-14- “For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age while we wait for the blessed hope – the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.”
Romans 6:13
Revelation 22:21- “The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.”
The Battle Inside
So here’s the thing..
I watched video on YouTube last night that really moved me. I won’t link it here and I won’t go into detail at this time. But the bravery of this man was truly inspiring to me.
You see, a lot of people talk about struggles and things they’ve dealt with in their past. But how many people ACTUALLY talk about these things? Do we just sugar coat it to make others think our mistakes don’t still affect us? Do we leave parts out because we’re scared of the judgement? Or do we just keep it buried inside and fight a losing battle day after day because we’re scared to share with others because in a way we would be reliving it?
The answer? Yes. Yes to all of the above.
We do sugar coat our stories so we can make it look like we’re just a badass who can get through anything. Why? Society tells us not to be weak.
We do leave parts out because we’re scared of the judgement. Why? Because the world sucks. We live in a generation where people like to tear each other down in order to build themselves up. It doesn’t matter if its something you did five, ten, or fifteen years ago. We’re in a day and age where we live for the approval of others. That’s the sad truth.
And yes, some of us do just keep it all buried inside. Some of us are fighting an internal battle day after day. Why? Because talking about a horrid past involves reliving it for a brief moment. All of the memories, good or bad, come flooding in. We bring them to the surface while we feel buried beneath them. They swallow us up. We drown.
The sad truth to the matter is that whether we keep them buried or we share with others, they still have control of us. As painful as that is to admit. That’s the truth. Forgiveness also includes forgiving yourself. God forgives the moment you ask Him to. Why can’t you forgive yourself that easily?
What I’m ending with is this.. Focus on yourself. Be nice to everyone around you and treat everyone how you would want to be treated. But focus on yourself. Your happiness is important. Your safety is important. If you don’t feel safe with yourself, talk about it. It may take days, weeks, or months to even get a sentence out. Talk about it. Get it out.
I hope to one day do this myself.
“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”
Joe 